Cook out

Today it is only about 40 degrees but it is nice and sunny and i am in the mood to cook out.. the nice weather is coming and that means.. camping and fishing and cooking out and spending time out in Gods creation... it will be alot easier to stay out of the depressions when about to get out and do things with my children... we love being outside...

My son is a little annoyed with me today because i wouldn't let him go swimming with my sister.. but with his ears and him not beable to find his ear plugs he doesnt need to go...

My daughter is also in a cranky mood today...

Me... i'm in a good mood and am not going to let anyone ruin it today... my sister is moody... but that is because of how her kids are acting... nothing new...

Tonight is church.. not sure if i will make it or not but am going to try... I do not believe though that i have to go to church to be one of God's children.. going to church is mainly about being around other Christians and getting to know them... i do need more Christians around me.. that i do.. but... well there isn't a but..lol.. i should just go to church...

Things have been getting better and better for me... i have been reading... praying.. talking to God and trying to learn as much as i can... not always easy to do but with help and with asking questions i can get there... i just need to start asking more questions instead of closing myself off and not wanting to ask them... i dont like to feel stupid and i dont like to look like a fool.. that is alot of my problem with asking questions... but i shall learn and i shall get past this.. and i shall grow in the Lord for He alone is my savoir....

Going good

Things are going good here.. i started back at my old job last night.. was only supposed to work four hours but they called me in early...lol.. it was all good.. we almost had a racial fight break out in the store because of some drunk why guy... but we got things settled down... thankfully... Tomorrow is church... My older sister was supposed to come for a lunch dinner type thing so we called to see if she would come early so we wouldn't have to miss church again and she refuses too so we cancelled tomorrow.. all the kids.. including my younger sisters... want to go to church.. they have been pretty much begging us for a few weeks now and i feel its time i get back there... It has been a hard struggle but tomorrow night is praise and worship night.. we will be singing for about an hour and half.. that is what we do every first sunday of the month... if i want to become a member of this church though i need to start going again... It has been hard since my mom passed away to really get back into going to church... i dont know why.. but i've only been there like 4 times since she died in May and one of them was to be baptized...

I can't seem to get back into the cna work either... not with old people.. not that there is anything wrong with them.. i love working with them.. but my mom was only 53 when she passed away and i guess i feel jealous when i am working with the elderly... and this is something i dont understand either.. my mother was one of my abusers... so why do i miss her so much?? and why have i taken her passing so hard??? it should have been easier because i know how much she hated me almost my whole life.. and then when she got sick she wanted to change things but i coulnd't bring myself to do it and now i am kicking myself in the butt... but i need to get over that too... can't change it so must move on...

My dad is not in the best health it seems either... high blood sugars and blood pressures... he's been staggering around.. losing his balance.. he's got no insurance and he's not old enough for us to beable to somehow get him help from the state... sad... we can't get him on disablity they denied it and he is to proud to try again.. although i feel if he went to my doctor he would help him alot... anyway if you read this..please pray for my dad...

so i'm done rambling and will write some more later... prayers and luv.. jenny