Venting....
Okay here i go... i still have had not sleep.. my body just will not give in and i have 2 children here that i can't sleep and let them run.. i just dont do that as a parent.. now my son is mad at me because i'm not taking them to the beach today but to be quite honest as tired as i am i should not be driving... an hour of sleep in 2 days is just not good...
My son preceeded to tell me that before the bull threw him the second time that it had been pushing him up against the wall.. but it wasn't just trying to crush his body into the building it was trying to crush his head into the building.. so the bull was out to kill my son.. in my opinion the bull should be put down or sold and butchered or something.. but as it is not my sons fathers bull but the grandparents bull that will never happen...i dont want to take my son back there for fear of him getting hurt even worse the next time something happens but that is where my son wants to be...
Now i was going to take the kids to the beach but i am just to tired and we will be there by 11am tomorrow and probably be there the whole day... but that does not seem to be good enough for my son so he is flipping me attitude big time.. he's in his room right now and he'll just have to get over it because i am not giving into him.. but as tired as i am and the way my son is acting i am in tears.. i can't stop myself.. i feel like such a fool.. but what can i do.. nothing.. just let the darn tears flow until they decide to stop... i feel as if i am in some kind of tunnel.. i mean everything seems like it is echoing or something and seems distant... i just want to let go at the moment...
There is much people don't know about me.. i mean i have parts of me that very few know.. and i hesitate to open up here for fear of getting nasty messages or anything.. but many of you out there know what it is like to be alone inside.. i am not one of you who know this.. not anymore.. i am not some crazy person.. i'm a single mom who has had a bad past and trying to build a better future.. but i seldom know what silence is anymore.. i know i'm not making any sense and right now that is probably a good thing...
I have an online mom and an online dad.. do you think that is crazy? My mom on here just talking to her has been more of a mother then my real mom ever was... and my online dad.. well.. he is awesome and he has the protector side to him... they are both there for me when i need them.. i have very close friends on here and some here in rl.. but the ones here do not even know all my deepest secrets.. i dont want to lose them as a friend only i am not sure they could ever really handle the truth.. because i'm not crazy.. on the outside i am just like any of you.. calm most times.. just a normal person walking down the street...
But i ask you.. what is normal anymore.. i mean was there really ever a normal person.. and what makes me not normal.. God created me.. God knew everything before it even happened... So He knows what is going on and He knows why He chose me to fill the shoes i am right now... He makes each of us for a reason and when He decides it is time for us to know the reason we are put on this earth He will let us know.. but if we have our backs turned on Him we may never find out what our calling is to be... some people are speakers.. they can keep a crowds attention and not lose them at all.. there are leaders.. and we may not agree with how they lead us but God knew what He was doing when He made them... We have our ministers.... our teachers.. the singings.. the prayer warriors.. each of us has our own little chore so to speak to do for God.. but it is up to us if we decide to listen and do it....
Now i'm going on and on.. i know this.. but i just need to let things out.. i get this way sometimes.. i'm wired.. yet.. i feel myself crashing at the same time.. and it feels like all i can do is hold on for dear life... you ever get that feeling???? I mean really... most times we feel like our lives are out of control.. when really we have no control over our lives as it is... God knows what each and everyone of us is doing each moment of our day.. There is nothing we are doing that we can hide from Him.. i think alot of people think that most times He isn't watching but they are wrong... even while we are sleeping God knows our dreams... anyway i am rambling so much here that i dont even know where i am going with all of this... just know i'm here but not here..lol.. so tired yet so wired... sleep.. what is sleep... i need it.. jenny
My son preceeded to tell me that before the bull threw him the second time that it had been pushing him up against the wall.. but it wasn't just trying to crush his body into the building it was trying to crush his head into the building.. so the bull was out to kill my son.. in my opinion the bull should be put down or sold and butchered or something.. but as it is not my sons fathers bull but the grandparents bull that will never happen...i dont want to take my son back there for fear of him getting hurt even worse the next time something happens but that is where my son wants to be...
Now i was going to take the kids to the beach but i am just to tired and we will be there by 11am tomorrow and probably be there the whole day... but that does not seem to be good enough for my son so he is flipping me attitude big time.. he's in his room right now and he'll just have to get over it because i am not giving into him.. but as tired as i am and the way my son is acting i am in tears.. i can't stop myself.. i feel like such a fool.. but what can i do.. nothing.. just let the darn tears flow until they decide to stop... i feel as if i am in some kind of tunnel.. i mean everything seems like it is echoing or something and seems distant... i just want to let go at the moment...
There is much people don't know about me.. i mean i have parts of me that very few know.. and i hesitate to open up here for fear of getting nasty messages or anything.. but many of you out there know what it is like to be alone inside.. i am not one of you who know this.. not anymore.. i am not some crazy person.. i'm a single mom who has had a bad past and trying to build a better future.. but i seldom know what silence is anymore.. i know i'm not making any sense and right now that is probably a good thing...
I have an online mom and an online dad.. do you think that is crazy? My mom on here just talking to her has been more of a mother then my real mom ever was... and my online dad.. well.. he is awesome and he has the protector side to him... they are both there for me when i need them.. i have very close friends on here and some here in rl.. but the ones here do not even know all my deepest secrets.. i dont want to lose them as a friend only i am not sure they could ever really handle the truth.. because i'm not crazy.. on the outside i am just like any of you.. calm most times.. just a normal person walking down the street...
But i ask you.. what is normal anymore.. i mean was there really ever a normal person.. and what makes me not normal.. God created me.. God knew everything before it even happened... So He knows what is going on and He knows why He chose me to fill the shoes i am right now... He makes each of us for a reason and when He decides it is time for us to know the reason we are put on this earth He will let us know.. but if we have our backs turned on Him we may never find out what our calling is to be... some people are speakers.. they can keep a crowds attention and not lose them at all.. there are leaders.. and we may not agree with how they lead us but God knew what He was doing when He made them... We have our ministers.... our teachers.. the singings.. the prayer warriors.. each of us has our own little chore so to speak to do for God.. but it is up to us if we decide to listen and do it....
Now i'm going on and on.. i know this.. but i just need to let things out.. i get this way sometimes.. i'm wired.. yet.. i feel myself crashing at the same time.. and it feels like all i can do is hold on for dear life... you ever get that feeling???? I mean really... most times we feel like our lives are out of control.. when really we have no control over our lives as it is... God knows what each and everyone of us is doing each moment of our day.. There is nothing we are doing that we can hide from Him.. i think alot of people think that most times He isn't watching but they are wrong... even while we are sleeping God knows our dreams... anyway i am rambling so much here that i dont even know where i am going with all of this... just know i'm here but not here..lol.. so tired yet so wired... sleep.. what is sleep... i need it.. jenny
posted by my_angel_eyes3 at 3:19 PM
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