racing

So i survived the abuse i went through.. but it seems to be quite strong in my head right now... and i have all this crap going on in my head that would be hard for most people to understand.. everyone would think i was a freak... but i'm not.. and i'm not crazy... but i sure do feel like it sometimes.... i was supposed to go out of town for the holiday.. well that changed.. then i was supposed to go camping for a few days.. then that changed... my son went back to his dads.. but daughter is at my sisters... and here i sit... feeling sorry for myself.. wishing that things would be different... wishing that my LIFE would be different and that i didn't have all this going on inside of me.. i try to tell people who are dealing with the same things as i am that it will be okay.. look to God.. He is there.. when right now it is so hard for me to do that.... i love my God... I know He alone is there for me.. so why is it so hard for me to just had everything over to him.... why can't i be normal... why couldn't i have had a normal loving family instead of the messed up one that i have... my siblings are so messed up it drives me bonkers.. i'm supposed to kiss there butt on a daily basses or it is like a constant battle.. so what's up with that? i mean i even lost a friend i had been friends with since grade school because she wasn't truely a friend.. she was the type that got mad when you didn't do exactly what she wanted.. when she wanted and how she wanted.... i do miss her sometimes though... i mean we went through alot together.. but there is only one person i can truely call a friend of mine here... i met her like 4 years ago and she is like a sister to me... she is the one who lost her daughter to a pack of pitbulls.... i think those dogs should be banned... they only people who really have them mainly is druggies and people who fight them... and that is just pure meanness to put dogs through that.....

so here i am rambling along jumping through many different topics.. so can you tell how my mind is racing... i dont want to be around any one or talk to anyone.. i'm not in a poeple mode right now.. i'm in my hybernation mode... and my mad mode.. once again i feel like i am mad at the world.. i hate this.. i hate going through this.. next thing i will be doing is crashing.. i so know the cycles... no matter what i do i will not beable to stop it... and i know this.. i can not stop this on my own.. so why is it so hard to turn to my Father in heaven when i go through times like this..... things are happening and people are getting hurt and it is like i have no control over any of it.. i can't stop any of it... Father forgive me... Father help me get through this... give me strength my Father.. my Lord.. my Jesus.. i beg you to show me guidence and get me through this... i beg you to give me wisdom.. help me father.. help em.. i beg you....