12:30am this morning

So i was at home alone.. my children at my older sisters house to spend the night last night.. and i get a phone call around 12:30 or so.. my neice crying.. she was 17th on the 26th.. seems my aunt.. my mothers sister... is there cutting herself and trying to kill herself.. in one of her rages she rips the vcr off the shelf in my neices room and it slips out of her hand and lands on my daughters head.. now my daughter has a bump... so i'm driving there as fast as i can without killing myself to get to my daughter and my son and get them away from her and bring them home... my older sister had called the police and by the time i had gotten there because i live almost an hour away and it took me only 35 minutes to get there.. but by the time i had gotten there they were gone.. they left my aunt... because she had her rent paid up until july... i guess the cop had looked at my daughters head and it is only a little bump.. which it was only a little bump.. so i brought my children home... BUT i told my sister that if she didn't get my aunt out of there that she would no longer see me and my children... i wont let my children around someone like that anymore.. they had to go through my own mothers rages and fits.. they will not be going through my aunts too.. she is moving out today.. if she is not gone by the time i get there i dont know what i will do... she has no business cutting herself in front of my children and my sisters children.. my aunt is have withdraws from not smoking pot.. my sister was turned in and it was unfounded.. go figure... but she will not allow it in her house at all.. her life depends on it.. her means of supporting her children depend on it... anyways i'm done.. just wanted to let you know about my crazy night last night...lol...

Venting....

Okay here i go... i still have had not sleep.. my body just will not give in and i have 2 children here that i can't sleep and let them run.. i just dont do that as a parent.. now my son is mad at me because i'm not taking them to the beach today but to be quite honest as tired as i am i should not be driving... an hour of sleep in 2 days is just not good...

My son preceeded to tell me that before the bull threw him the second time that it had been pushing him up against the wall.. but it wasn't just trying to crush his body into the building it was trying to crush his head into the building.. so the bull was out to kill my son.. in my opinion the bull should be put down or sold and butchered or something.. but as it is not my sons fathers bull but the grandparents bull that will never happen...i dont want to take my son back there for fear of him getting hurt even worse the next time something happens but that is where my son wants to be...

Now i was going to take the kids to the beach but i am just to tired and we will be there by 11am tomorrow and probably be there the whole day... but that does not seem to be good enough for my son so he is flipping me attitude big time.. he's in his room right now and he'll just have to get over it because i am not giving into him.. but as tired as i am and the way my son is acting i am in tears.. i can't stop myself.. i feel like such a fool.. but what can i do.. nothing.. just let the darn tears flow until they decide to stop... i feel as if i am in some kind of tunnel.. i mean everything seems like it is echoing or something and seems distant... i just want to let go at the moment...

There is much people don't know about me.. i mean i have parts of me that very few know.. and i hesitate to open up here for fear of getting nasty messages or anything.. but many of you out there know what it is like to be alone inside.. i am not one of you who know this.. not anymore.. i am not some crazy person.. i'm a single mom who has had a bad past and trying to build a better future.. but i seldom know what silence is anymore.. i know i'm not making any sense and right now that is probably a good thing...

I have an online mom and an online dad.. do you think that is crazy? My mom on here just talking to her has been more of a mother then my real mom ever was... and my online dad.. well.. he is awesome and he has the protector side to him... they are both there for me when i need them.. i have very close friends on here and some here in rl.. but the ones here do not even know all my deepest secrets.. i dont want to lose them as a friend only i am not sure they could ever really handle the truth.. because i'm not crazy.. on the outside i am just like any of you.. calm most times.. just a normal person walking down the street...

But i ask you.. what is normal anymore.. i mean was there really ever a normal person.. and what makes me not normal.. God created me.. God knew everything before it even happened... So He knows what is going on and He knows why He chose me to fill the shoes i am right now... He makes each of us for a reason and when He decides it is time for us to know the reason we are put on this earth He will let us know.. but if we have our backs turned on Him we may never find out what our calling is to be... some people are speakers.. they can keep a crowds attention and not lose them at all.. there are leaders.. and we may not agree with how they lead us but God knew what He was doing when He made them... We have our ministers.... our teachers.. the singings.. the prayer warriors.. each of us has our own little chore so to speak to do for God.. but it is up to us if we decide to listen and do it....

Now i'm going on and on.. i know this.. but i just need to let things out.. i get this way sometimes.. i'm wired.. yet.. i feel myself crashing at the same time.. and it feels like all i can do is hold on for dear life... you ever get that feeling???? I mean really... most times we feel like our lives are out of control.. when really we have no control over our lives as it is... God knows what each and everyone of us is doing each moment of our day.. There is nothing we are doing that we can hide from Him.. i think alot of people think that most times He isn't watching but they are wrong... even while we are sleeping God knows our dreams... anyway i am rambling so much here that i dont even know where i am going with all of this... just know i'm here but not here..lol.. so tired yet so wired... sleep.. what is sleep... i need it.. jenny

still no sleep/ BULL ATTACK...

So here i am and still really no sleep from last night. I got about 1 hour and in that one hour that i dozed off a little my mind just kept on racing. Nothing able to slow it down. Thoughts upon thoughts flying through my head. So here i am once again writing.. but i never really got to update anyway since i moved on what all has been going on since the move...

For one.. I am starting college in the fall. I am going to go to become a councelor. I want to counsel troubled and abused teens. In time and i am giving myself a 10 year leaway i want to have a safe house for abused and troubled teens. I know it will take alot to do and it is only in the beginning stages right now in my mind. But it will take me 6 years of college then i am giving myself a few years after that to work to get my goal of a safe house for them.

Since the move last month my son moved with his father when school got out. He feels his dad can teach him to be a man better then i can and he is probably right. There is no hard feelings but it will take me some time of getting use to him not being here everyday eccept for the weekends he is usually at his dads.

BULL ATTACK!!!!!!!!!

I went to pick up my son today only to find out that 3 days ago he was attacked by a bull and nobody felt they should call me. I am taking my son to the docs tomorrow to get him checked. He is having some pain in his left leg and alot of pain in his back.. So i will let you know what they say.. i am sure that nothing is severe.. probably just bruises and such but me being me i am getting him checked out to be on the safe side... so now.. let me tell you about the attack...

My son now lives on a farm with his dad.. i'm sure you could tell that already since he was attacked by a bull.. well they milk cows among alot of other things as well.. one of my sons chores is to feed the baby calves... Well my son chose to walk through the pen with the bull in it because it is shorty for one... 2.. the bull has always seemed fine.. and 3.. he's got his fathers attitude.. or had.. that nothing can hurt him...

Well my son is 11 years old.. So he goes in the pen and shews the bull away and starts walking across when he realizes he forgot to shut the gate.. so he goes back and all of a sudden he hears something like galloping towards him.. so as he is turning to see all of a sudden he is thrown into the air.. he landed against the gate to the bull was able to get at him again and toss him into the air again... my son hit the ground and just laid there... what was the bull doing.. he was butting his head into my sons head and shoulders and side and sniffing him making sure he was dead or making sure he had won or something... My son told me at this point what came to his mind is what he dad has been telling him these past few years that if he was ever attacked by a bull to just lay there and not move because the bull thinks he has won and will stop... my son also said that the whole time he was praying that either his dad or his cousin Jesse would show up and save him....

That of course is exactly what happened.. Scott.. my sons father.. came walking around the corner of the barn and saw what was happening.. got a big rock and threw it at the bull and chased the bull away and got my son out of there... so what has my son learned... 1. to stay away from the pen and go the long way around to get to where he needs to go... 2. to remember to listen and learn what his dad is telling him...

Now the damages done on my son.. he's got a bruised side.. bruised arms and a few bruises on his legs.. That is the external damages.. oh and a sore back.. i dont believe that there is any internal damages but i am not taking any chances.. i feel that he should have been taken to the docs sooner but he is with me now and i will take him myself now...

What did i do? Well.. i guess you could say i kinda freaked on his dad.. no not physical but i yelled and threatened and well.. i was mad.. but what made me so mad is i was scared that it could of been worse.. and when i got scared i got mad.. so i left.. with my son.. and then i started feeling bad.. because i started thinking well.. how did Scott feeling seeing it.. coming upon his son with a bull standing over him nudging him to see if he was dead or alive... i mean Scott kept his head and got his son out of there.. i ask myself what would i of done.. i probably would of freaked and handled things the wrong way.. i know nothing of farming and what to do and what not to do... So i called Scott.. i told him that i was sorry.. i told him that i was scared.. i cried over the phone to him.. i hate crying.. but it was like all the madness was gone and i was so very glad that Scott was the one who was there and who handled it.. It scares me that i don't even want to send Tony.. my son back there.. but that is where he wants to be... and i can only pray that he will learn from this.. i believe that he has.. I mean i know that he was scared real bad and he is sore and stuff.. i think he has learned.. all i can say is that i am very proud of my son for listening and remember what his dad said.. and i am very proud of Scott for keeping in control and getting Tony out of there as safely and as quickly as he could...

The bull had no horns.. from the looks of the marks on my son if he had had horns my son would of been gutted... and that scares me so much that even now i am beginning to tear up and i dont want to send my son back there.. But i know deep down that Scott will never purposely ever let anything happen to Tony.. So.. i am leaving it in Gods hands and in Scotts hands and i will pray daily for God to show my son wisdom and guidance and to keep watch over him....

I think i am done typing right now.. my eyes are getting blurry.... please.. if you read this.. pray for God to be with my son.. farms can be just as dangerous if not more so then any normal city town or whatever.. please keep him in your prayers..

prayers and luv.. jenny

can't sleep

I hate it when i go through this and can't sleep once again.. i hate nights like this... so it will be tomorrow night or rather tonight before i get sleep... i even have meds to help me sleep and it's just not doing anything once again tonight.. almost 5am and no sleep.. anyway.. God be with you all who read this... prayers and luv.. jenny

day at the beach

Today we spent most of the day at the beach.. i did some cleaning and fed my daughter lunch and then off we went to pick people up and bring them with us.. I've been in such a mood lately.. crabby i guess you could say.. but it seems like i have some anger in me right now.. i hate it when i get to feeling like this.. but i am working through it without hurting anyone.. not that i would purposely hurt them but i really hate snapping at people...

Saw an old friend at the beach today.. my daughters fathers best friend.. i have not seen my daughters father since a few weeks after she was born.. he saw her when she was 8 days old and then said he didn't want to see her again until she was older... but it seems the person i talked to today is going to go spend a few weeks at his house.. he no longer lives around here.. my friend is going to take some pics of my daughter to him.. i hate the fact that she is asking me so many questions about him right now and there is only so much i can tell her..

I've been asking questions in my groups trying to get people to open up and it seems to be working slowly.. but the way i see it it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as they know we are here for them... anyways.. prayers and luv. jenny

updated site

I've recently since being back online updated the site for my groups.. i'm giving the link here so you can check it out.. also on the bottom of the page is the links to my groups.. feel free to join or check them out.. prayers and luv.. jenny

http://www.geocities.com/my_angel_eyes3/AngelsofMercy.html

finally back

I have my pc up and going everyone... i moved and just got the internet and phone hooked up yesterday.. so i will be taking a few days of getting caught up and stuff and then will begin here again and let you all know what's been going on.. prayers and luv.. jenny