Love?

Love

by jenny dobson

how can i love

when i feel no love

how can someone love me

if i dont love me

how do you learn to love

when you've never felt love

how do you give love

when you've never been given love

love is a strong emotion

is there really such a thing

how do you know it is love

when it can be the opposite thing

when someone says i love you

how do you know it's real

for is there such a thing

as someone loving me

when someone says i love you

why do i start to laugh

what is this thing called love

and is it meant to last

Tony 

charli 

Rambling

I feel in a rambling mood tonight... I feel at work the other night... slipped on a wet floor and didn't realize the other staff had mopped.. but anyways i hurt my back.. and now i'm on meds for it... which is not good for my other job because i am also a CNA.. and i have to beable to lift my residents...

Got to see a bunch of cute little trick or treaters tonight... my sister took my kids with her while i passed out candy here at my house.. took a few pics too of them.. and my kids are full of it tonight with having candy in them..lol.. but they shall settle soon...

I have tons of different things going through my head.. with posting about past issues and then thinking of how things are today.. I can't honestly tell you that all is well.. but it is alot better today now that i have Christ in my life then when i was trying to handle it all on my own.. See no matter what even us as Christians go through trials.. God does not promise us a life without them.. but He does promise to be here with us and to go through them with us.. Each trial we go through is given to us to make us stronger in the Lord...

Sometimes i wonder if i would still be the same person today if i had not been through what i had... i mean.. i can honestly say that i care about others and what happens to them.. whether enemy or friend... Jesus has made it to where i can love as He loves... When we have Jesus in our lives we are able to open our hearts to others and we are able help guide if we allow Jesus to work through us to help others....

I have come to feel the peace within me that many talk about when they have Jesus in their lives... I know now that i can hand my problems over to Him and He will help me through them and take care of them as he sees fit.. see.. If we hand our worries over to God and we pray and talk to Him and read His word... He will help us through.. The one thing that many don't realize though is that God does not answer our prayers the way we want them.. God knows what's best for us and He answers them the way He knows things should be...

anyway enough rambling from me tonight... so i am going to add my childrens pics from trick or treating tonight... God Bless.. prayers and luv... my_angel_eyes3

garden 

A childs screams

For tonight i wrote the last post and i'm going to share one more poem here and then will write more and share some more with everyone tomorrow.. some of my poems will be hard to read.. but they were written in a time when i needed to get things out of my system... It was the real start of my healing process... prayers and luv.. my_angel_eyes3

a childs screams
by jenny dobson

deep inside this child screams
hoping only to be set free
for one so young
she knows so much

deep inside this child screams
only to be muffled by his touch
for one so young
to have to feel his touch

she screams
and screams
and screams

deep inside this child screams
yet she still tries to dream
for one so young
she loves so much
why can't he just set her free

deep inside this child screams
let me be.... oh please
just set me free
for one so young
she's learned to survive
to retreat to the back of her mind

for on those dark nights
when she screams inside
she is so far back
she can't feel his touch
yet

she screams
and screams
and screams

Teen years

When i 14 or so i started helping teach bible school to the younger kids.. i went to church every sunday and really enjoyed myself.. Then i went to get confirmed... The pastor that we had then was a sick man though many did not know it until someone started saying the things he did... He would tell us sick jokes and he was always real touchy feely... It was then that i decided the day i was confirmed i was not going back to church at all.. I was 15 when i made that decision.. see i figured that God didn't love me because of my past and what was happening to me... i couldn't see God being there for me at all... needless to say once i got a job and got a car things totally changed for me...

I started drinking and running around.. i turned to boys to try to find the love that i wasn't getting at home.. i wanted to feel like someone wanted me and loved me.. heck i still feel that way but now i know i have Jesus with me and i know He loves me... There was one night when i came home about 3 am.. i was 16yrs old.. I had been working and got off work and then the manager and the delivery driver and i went to the bar and they served me... i came home so drunk and found my mom sitting outside waiting for me... she started hitting and scratching me in the face and she took my keys and threw then out into the yard somewhere... She then went inside and started screaming and yelling at my dad to take care of things.... He got up and sent me upstairs.. then yelled for me to come right back down and before i even got to the last step he started swinging at me... my head flew into the corner of the door and i ended up getting a huge lump on my head... he just kept swinging and hitting me.. it was like he had lost it or something.. he backed me all the way out to the kitchen all the while my mother just watching and smiling..

My brother woke up and came to my rescue... Mom was trying to drag him back but he got right in between dad and i and he shoved dad back and told him that was enough.. my brother was only 14 at the time and i was 16... Mom started going after my brother and dad stopped her and said he's right.. it's enough... he sent us upstairs and i know i feel asleep crying that night.. i was quite sober by the time all this had finished and but when i slept i was out cold... Dad woke me up about 7 am and sat me on the couch to talk to me... He was crying.. he had never done anything like that to me before and he hasn't since.. and he vowed that day that he would not let mom get to him and him lose it like he did the night before.. he kept telling me he was sorry.. I told him right out that i forgave him... and i did too... you dont know how much mom could push a person to act out like that.. and my dad never touched me after that either... anyway i come to find out later on from my younger sister that dad had been up and down the steps the rest of the night to make sure i was still there and i hadn't run away...

It was easy for me to forgive my dad.. because people can blow when they are pushed so much and my mother knew just how to push buttons on a person... It took me a long time to forgive my mother for all that she and my uncle had done... i wrote a poem to my brother and i'm going to add it at the bottom of this.. but for now.. prayers and luv and peace be with you.... my_angel_eyes3

My brother
by jenny dobson

my brother my savior
i will always love him so
he stood in the way
to keep the blows at bay

my brother is my hero
he means so much to me
for although he is angry
he will always stand next to me

my brother is my friend
the only true one i got
for i wish he could just see
he's helped me alot

my brother i love
for he has been through so much
talking alot for me
i just wish he could see

my brother deserves happiness
that he's finally found
i dream that he will be set free
of the past that will always be

my brother i love
i wish you could see me now
see the pain i am in
for it is all coming down

i love you dear brother
and i thank you with my very being
so be happy with your life
and let no one set you back

my wish to you dear brother
is to be free of the past
open up to your soon to be wife
so she will forever last

although you may not like me
we are one and the same
and i can see your pain
i love you dear brother
so please be free

I'm Sorry

I want to start this out by saying i'm sorry to Amy for removing her post.. i did have a copy and want to repost it there through this one... it was not my intention at all to remove her comments to me... please eccept my apology Amy.. here is what she had said in her posts.. i pray she still feels the same...

{I just wanted to tell you that i think its awesome that your using your past to help others learn that they have a heavenly father who loves and cares for them. I know that God will bless your words and use them for His glory. Praise God that you have started this ministry and I pray that He will use you as a vessel to bring other people closer to Him. I'll be praying for you and your life as you devote yourself to Him. God Bless you!! I'm looking forward to other posts from you. --Posted by amyleigh to A Christian Survivor at 10/29/2004 07:38:34 PM }

His love 

This little girl of 8

this little girl of 8
by jenny dobson
this little girl of 8 runs to her roomin hopes that he will pass her by
she prays that he will not look her way
she runs to her closet
in hopes he will not see her
for she knows that it's forbiddenthat it's a sin
this little girl of 8 she runs to her room
in hopes that the rage
she sends will pass her by
she knows not a day goes by
that she must feel this rage
she can see the hatred in her eyes
she is told she lies
this little girl of 8
she needs to be freed
of the belts, the flyswatters and the wooden spoons
she is called whore,sleeze tramp
not a day goes by that she that
she doesnt' wish she was gone
she runs to her daddy
and is told not to lie
what should she do
he doesn't believe
she is lost to him
he has believe his wife
yet again this little girl has grown
and is now 28
still she is hiding
from her fate
this woman of 28
is only looking for love
but seems to only get heartache from above
she sends out her blessing to all the little girls of this world
she doesn't wish to be 8 again
PEACE AND LOVE TO YOU ALL......cries the little girl of 8

Growing up

The first memories i really have of being abused is with my uncle. He molested me from the time i was 3 til i was almost 12 that i know of for sure. As i got older things went further and my mother began to help him. I have horrible dreams of my mother looking down at me holding me down while my uncle did things to me and then sometimes in my dreams there is another woman holding me down helping him. I remember when i was 8 hiding in the bathroom closet from my uncle. He had me cornered in there showing me his penis wanting me to pull down my pants. Thank God that his girlfriend at the time showed up and he left the bathroom and i was able to escape to my bedroom. i wrote a poem about that time that i will post right after i post this.

Growing up my mother use to totally go crazy and my brother and i and sometimes my older sister got the brunt of it all. I have been beaten with belts, wooden spoons, the wire part of a flyswatter. I've been thrown down our steps, i've had a little wooden rocking chair thrown at me... it totally missed me one time and ended up putting a whole in the wall.. I got a black one time from being thrown head first into the fridge... I had scratches and welts all over my face another time for coming home late... that is only some of the things.. and there is alot of things i've blocked out that my sisters will bring up and ask me if i remember it..

i'm not going to make these to long.. i will try to at least every other day post little bits about my past...

my_angel_eyes3

What you will be reading in up coming posts

In the upcoming posts i will be telling you all about what i went through as a child and as an adult or as much as i can remember. I know many will not like reading about it and some of it will be pretty hard to read. Emotion wise that is... But it will let you all know about me and how i came to be what i am today. After i will begin telling you about my walk to bring Jesus into my life and how He has changed me. Then we will be going on to daily things and what is going on my groups. I have some Christian abuse survivors groups. For right now i will tell you all my abusers were my mother, my uncle and my older sister in my growing years followed by being abused and raped in my teen years and into adulthood... i'm now 31 and i will also be sharing some of my poems here too. I have 2 children, son who is 11 and daughter who is 4. They are my life. I live my life as much as i can for my Father in heaven and my children. I do not go out and party anymore and i am not seeing anyone. I am a little late in the thinking i will not be with anyone until i'm married but when coming to Jesus you become a new person and you learn to respect yourself and everyone around you. that's all for tonight... prayers and luv.. my_angel_eyes3

New to this

I'm new to this and will take some time getting use to it. I will be writing daily if my schedule permits it. I work two jobs plus i am a single mom. This will be my time to myself to hopefully help others go through their healing process by seeing how i am healing and how my Father in heaven has helped me get to where i am today. So be blessed and i pray this will help you.

prayers and luv
my_angel_eyes3