a young girl i work with

There is a young girl that i work with that is 18 yrs old who for some reason her and i started talking last night and she started opening up to me.. i wasn't pushing her to talk but i did ask her little questions when she did start talking.. she knew nothing about my groups that i have online here and she knew nothing of my past.. but somehow we got on the subject of her and she told me how she was raped when she was 9 yrs old.. She then started willingly having sex when she was 11yrs old.. this child because to me she is still a child is very grown up now for her age.. she also went on to tell me how she is dating a 32 yr old now.. she has been sexually active since she was 11 and she is still very much active.. through out our conversation which it was her doing most of the talking... i would ask little questions.. by the time we were done telling me she was sorry for opening up so much.. she told me she didn't understand what it was that made her start talking but that she had only ever told her mother about what all that had happened... i feel honored that she felt she could open up to me.. and i did give her some little advice.. told her what i felt was wrong.. or what i would have done as a parent.. just little things to keep her talking.. I wrote down the link to my main group for her and gave her my ids on here just in case she couldn't find the group and told her that she is more then welcome joining my groups.. i didn't push nothing on her... i won't do that.. i will let her talk at her pace.. to me she really needs to start talking about this more so that she will begin to respect herself and take time away from having sex and learning to know herself and how she truely can be... she's a good kid.. does well in school i'm told.. she keeps a steady job.. but i also know how i was.. i know that i did well working too and then all of a sudden things just dropped out on me for a while and i spent alot of time drinking and running around... she doesn't drink alot she says but she does do some drinking.. i can only ask that when you read this you say a prayer for this young girl so that she can keep her life on track and that she will take time to just be with herself and learn to respect herself and be her own person.. she is looking for love in men and she is looking for the wrong love.. the love of our Father in heaven is an everlasting love... physical love with a man is not.. thanks for listening.. prayers and luv. .Jenny

back to work

I'm heading back to work tonight after having to take time off for my daughter being sick... for my sons tests.. and because of my migraines.. God be with me it sure has been a tough time of late... i can only figure that satan is trying to bring me down because i am becoming closer and closer to my Daddy in heaven...

In my reading of the bible last night i am working on reading 2 Kings.. not an easy book of the bible to get through but i shall do it... just need to take my time and concentrate on what i am reading...

Will be working til midnight tonight and sounds like they will be putting me mainly on second and thirds shifts which is fine with me.. not really a morning person and most evenings i will have time for my children because i will mainly be working 3rd shift.. i work 2 jobs right now picking up a third one... the main job that brings a check in every 2 weeks i work at a gas station.. the other one is my agency i work for as a cna and i am going to be hired onto another agency too... those i get paid for when i work and it is almost tripled my pay of what i get at the gas station.. but it is not steady and they can never garentee you the hours... and to be totally honest with you.. working at the gas station is a nice break then working in nursing homes all the time although i do love my residents it can be hard when you go in each day to help them through until they die... is a hard thing when you get attached to them to have to go through... even harder for the families but they have lived a long life and they are ready to go.. you always know when they are ready to go....

anyway.. done babbling and God be with you all.. prayers and luv.. myangeleyes3

Anger

my anger is strong

what can i do

have i waited to long

to do what i need too

my emotions are raw

they're threatening to burst

do i follow the law

and bury my thirst

i hate how i feel

so i give myself to HIM

i shall not steel

or live in sin

HE'S forgiven me

for all i have done

so now i can see

i know how to move on!!
jenny

In His Grip

IN HIS GRIP

HE holds me tight

IN HIS GRIP

i dont feel spite

IN HIS GRIP

i know HE'S right

IN HIS GRIP

i sing HIS song

IN HIS GRIP

i will never be gone

for IN HIS GRIP

i feel so strong....

jenny

My faith

my faith
by jenny dobson

my faith is shakey
i've been put to the test
i stand there shaking
trying to do my best
searching to see
if he is deep within me
wondering am i worthy of His love
or am i to be shoved from above
am i to have that inner peace
or ami to always have this inner beast
can He not see i wish to believe
can He not see how unworthy i be
i try to find him
but i cannot see
is there still hope
to get the faith back in me

busy days

So this past week or so has been quite busy... my daughter ended up with pnuemonia and today i found out that my son may have a tumor behind his left ear drum.. so he is going to have a catscan on friday... satan has really been trying to do a number on me and he almost did it but once again God has prevailed and my faith is in Him and will not falter again i pray... all these trials we go through God will help us through if only we ask and each one of them makes us stronger each time we go through them. sometimes i have to remind myself of this... Ken and Becky have been strong supporters of mine and when things start to stray for me they tend to bring me back where i should be with God....

See many think that being Christian means you'll never sin or that you should be put up there higher then others or something.. they watch us Christians and when we fall they see that and they think something must be wrong with us or something.. or they use that as an excuse not to become one with God.. but the truth is.. satan temps Christians as well.. and when he looses one to God he does whatever he can to make us fall and tries to distance us from God.. i find that that is my weakness.. i have a problem with whenever things start going really wrong in my life i tend to start lacking in my faith.. Not with God.. for i know He is always there.. but what i start to do is wonder what i have done wrong to deserve this.. instead of thanking God for the trials i'm put through i start to question and look through everything in my life to see what i am doing wrong.. never do i look to see what i am doing write.... God still has much work to do with me.. i still have much learning to do.. but each day is a learning experience and God knows that i am trying to live as He has brought me here to live...

so please whoever reads this add my children and i to your prayers because satan sure is trying to do a job on us at this time... my_angel_eyes3

hard day

Today was a very hard and emotional day for me... Started this morning at work. One of my moms closests friends came into my work today.. it has been ages since i saw her.. i saw her husband at my moms funeral in May but she had been out of town and couldn't get back... She started tearing up and held her hand to her heart and told me how sorry she was of mom's passing... so what do i do... i start crying as well and the whole day has been spent full of tears... Everything is hitting me today.. I know God is here for me to help me through things.. but in 8 days my mother will have been gone 6 months.. i can't believe it has been that long.. it doesn't seem like it at all.. and it feels like our whole family is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about it... Looking back it seems mom held our family together and there is nothing left.. even with how my past was with her.. i still loved her and forgave her.. i get so mad at her for leaving us... anyway.. i'm sorry to show my weaknesses but i just dont know what else to do... Jenny

Voting

Tonight i have voted... first time in a long time that i even cared enough to vote... It looks to be an interesting night with all the voting coming to an end in these next few hours.. although i'm sure it will be drawn out again... but i can honest say that nobody will have a right to complain about who does become president if they did not get out and vote.. I was one who never complained about who was choses because i had no right too.. my father and i have 2 totally different opinions on who should be president.. I hope and pray that everyone said a little prayer before they made the decision and went in to vote... anyway.. my little 2 cents on this night.. prayers and luv.. myangeleyes3

testing

ok so i just wrong more on me and it didn't post.. i dont look forward to writing it over agian

adulthood

Ok so i go into adulthood and my sons father and i end up breaking up when i'm 21 or so... from then on i go from relationship to relationship pushing people away.. each time someone got close i pushed them until they left... i also seemed to know they would leave anyway so why not push them so they would do it faster... they way i saw it i wasn't worthy enough to be loved by anyone.. i still have yet to have a relationship to where i didn't push someone away....

A little over 2 years ago i started my yahoo group... i started it with the soul purpose of have a place to put my poems and i had a friend of mine that was in the group with me... it was her idea for me to start the group in the first place... and then i met other people that became my friends and i invited them to the group... i also joined a group called Shatteredmen... the founder is a friend of mine even today and is a moderator in my groups... it was around this time that i started meeting these people that i started to have an interest in God again... See they were all Christian and they didn't push God at me but they sure did answer any questions i had and they were all very caring and truely interested in me as a person.....

So i gave myself to Jesus... i put my trust back in Him... but it has not been an easy road.. for God does not promise a life without trials but He does promise to be there with us going through it all with us... So there was Ken, Joe, Brenda and a few others that helped me keep going.. but satan was doing everything he could to get me to turn from God again and i had even met a few people that i shouldn't have had nothing to do with... in my mind i rationalized it that i was helping them when in reality i wasn't at all.. i was making things worse because i was falling into their lies of darkness... so through all these struggles my friends stuck by me... Becky and Ken i am still really close with.. Becky as become a sister to me on here and i could not see not having these 2 people in my life anymore.. for they both are there to listen and help guide me....

So my groups have now become Christian survivors groups and the yahoo groups has about 96 people in it.. msn has about 60 and my prayer support group has a little over 30 i think now... around that time i started searching for a church and the first one i went too i have been going to since.. not every sunday but at least once a month.. and these past 6 months or so it has been at least 2 or 3 times a month that i been going to the church... i was baptized there a few weeks ago and will be becoming a member of the church there soon too... they are a wonderful group of people at this church.. they have helped me alot to feel welcome there... i'm use to snooty old time churches but this church is not that way at all... it took me a long time to get use to the people just walking up and giving me hugs.... and i decided that in time if it is for me to be married that God will send Him my way and i have to faith in that... If we dont have faith in God or trust in Him then we have nothing... Now when i go through my trials i don't go through them along.. i know He is next to me.. and i also know He is taking the brunt of the pain.. for i know i would not be here today if not for Him and Him alone....

ok so i'm done rambling for today... and we are getting closer to the end of my life.... prayers and luv.. God Bless.. jenny

off to work

Well i'm off to work... Tonight i work anywhere from 4 hours to 12 hours.. depends on if the 3rd shift person shows up... He hasn't been to reliable this past week so i was asked that if he doesn't show if i would stay.. so stay safe everyone.. prayers and luv.. my_angel_eyes3

teen years into adulthood

So going from preteen into later teens i got a job when i was 16 at pizza hut.. i wanted to be away from my home as much as possible so i worked two other jobs the summer i was turning 17... i worked at a resturant that was open 24 hours so i worked there on 3rd shift... then in the morning i detaisled corn and then was at work at pizza hut by 6pm.. i would go 2 days strait of no sleeping but taking pills to keep me away.. like the stacker pills we have now adays.. all over the counter stuff... so in between working.. i drank.. and ran around.. drinking and driving should have killed me in those years but i can only say God had been watching over me even then... a few times i ended up in the ditch and was able to drive right back out and drive off again.. There are many times of drinking that alot is blocked out.. i dont remember alot of even that time.. but i would do alot of shots and drink alot of beer...

well when i turned 19 i met my sons father.. He came down a one way street the wrong way at me... and then we did the little following each other and stuff until 2 weeks later we finally stopped and talked to one another... God had to of brought him into my life for a reason... after dating for 6 months i ended up pregnant.. and if it was not for my son i would not be here today.. i'm sure i would of continued drinking and such until i finally killed myself... i look back at how i was then and i wonder if out of everything i was doing if i was truely trying to kill myself...

So i had my son.. his father and i were planning on getting married... i was still living at home when i had my son.. and there was one day my mom watched him for like 10 minutes while i ran to the gas station to get some smokes... i came back and my son was lying in his basinet awake just laying there.. he was to young to even be rolling yet.. but nobody else was home.. my mother had left... i finally saw my neice walking up the street and asked her where grandma was and she said she was at the neighbors and i asked her to please go tell grandma to come home... that i wanted to talk to her.... needless to say my mom was very sorry and had forgotten all about him because he was so quiet...

with in a week or so after that my mother and i had a big fight.. i'm not really sure why we were fighting but we ended up in the bathroom and she had be cornered by then and she started choking me.. now up until that moment i had never fought back.. it's not right for a children to fight back against their parents... but needless to day i cracked that day.. i shoved my mother back and i told her if she ever touched me again i would kill her.. and i meant it then...

In the next few weeks my sons father and i got an apartment together... we were together until my son was almost 2... I was making it very hard on him to want to even be around me.. I pushed him away.. i tried to run his life.. i was angry at him.. he had a head on collision and that changed his whole life and his outlook on life.. i spent the first week by his bed in the hospital and then i was up there everyday when he got to where we knew he would be ok... He wasn't taking my crap no more when he got better and moved home.. in my defense though i knew he was trying to screw around on me.. i had caught him trying and it made me crazy in a way i guess.. i never hit him or nothing but he was always so secretive.. and then to top it off he don't come home one night and expects me to believe he feel asleep in a store parking lot cause he got losts... lol.. i'm not that stupid...

We both had alot of growing up to do.. and we are best friends now.. well to a point.. he's not married.. i'm not married.. we both have another child with someone else.. yet he is always calling me to come and visit and hang out with him.. he wants to get back together after 8 years of him dating others.. he's also right now dating 3 other women and i have told him i'm not one of his bimbos. that if we were ever to get back together that he would have to get rid of the others and i'm not sure if i could fully trust him or not... the 3 women all know about each other.. he is living with one of them.. yet they all for some reason think they are the one for him.. it's a sad situation... He also knows that my life is given to Christ now and things would be different if we ever got together...

anyways i think i've made this long enough... next time i write i will tell you the happenings with my son and why i ended up in counceling when he was about a year and a half old... prayers and luv.. my_angel_eyes3

Poems

So i posted a few of my poems today and it's late so i will be heading to bed... But when you stop by to read these poems and other writings of mine here know that i am sharing my past with you... My poems were written when i was full of pain and anger and hurting... I have healed alot since i wrote those poems and in time i will be sharing my healing process but right now i'm just trying to get everything on here about me so you all will know where i come from and what kind of past i had.... so when you scroll down to read the poems know that they can be painful for some to read... prayers and luv.. my_angel_eyes3

Friends??

friends???

by jenny dobson

friends to me

can you really be

or when you see

will you run from me

you find out my past

and you run real fast

my past is to horrible

for you to bare

but do you understand

when you run from me

when i see you go

you're saying it's my fault

i know you dont mean to

i can't blame ya for runnin

but can you blame me

for feeling the shame

each one of you that runs

you make the shame that much more

so do i not tell

not let you see

the real me

afraid to be seen

afraid to open up

for fear of rejection

or do i keep talking

cause they say it helps

do i keep feelin the shame

everytime you run

for out of all of you

there comes a few

ones that want to help

and will stay til the end

i have a few of those

and they mean the world to me

there words come through

strong to me

but these few friends

they must see

that all these friends

are controlling me

turning my strength

into shame

for i lose more friends everyday

see what you do to me

you bring out the shame

your draggin me down

so please don't ask

if you can't handle the past